2005-06-09 - 12:27 a.m.
Tell me what to say
And I will say it to you...
I take one for the heartbreak
One for the headache
Two for the constant tears
I take one for the blindness
One for the foolishness
Trying to keep you here . . .
There are vague memories I have of the beginning of what became my new life. I know logically that my brain may have made them up just as easily as actually having them, but they are there anyway.
Dear gods! . . .burn . . .bled out . . .pieces . . .Vormas ((ooc -- I orignally typed this as Voldemort. Hee! They sound too much alike)) . . .lucky they were apart . . .demons . . .bad . . .very bad . . .secret . . .What will become of us next time?
And then my memories become less vague, but equally simple. There is a person who cares for me in my hazy half death. S/he smells familiar, but I can't hold onto the memory of why. It's not long before I stop trying. My leg hurts so badly I can barely stand it. I know later it's more because of the emotional trauma but the physical trauma of having your leg severed off your body isn't anything to sneeze at either. Bleeding out from your femoral artery isn't a day in bed watching TMC exactly either. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual.
It's funny, how simple your life can become. After the stresses of trying to keep the world safe, being on the reformed counsel of nine (ten.), trying to be a good leader for a whole tradition, sibling quarrels from within the cabal that are *always* present, trying to juggle a boyfriend who is head of the tradition you always thought was fated to be yours and an ascended master who also happens to be your boyfriend, it's amazing how quickly all of that can slip away from you. You would think that after already dying twice ( it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it . . .), I would remember this. But I don't. That too slips away from you just as quickly when you are reborn back into worldly cares in the same life.
My world became my caregiver and the flowers outside my room. S/he would hold me when the pain became terrible and I would cry into my caregiver's hair. S/he would sing me to sleep and rub my back. Feed me. Other things less dignified. What I remember most is my caregiver's hair. Nothing made me happier in my day than when s/he would let me play with it. It was the highlight of the day for me. Long, long shinyravenwing hair. I would run my fingers through it for what seemed like hours to me, and s/he would sit there so patiently while I did. I remember happy hums coming out of my throat, some of the few noises I made. The other highlight of my day was being taken outside in my wheelchair for walks. Short little constitutionals around the garden. S/he would softly name the flowers every time we passed a new one. I would hold out my hands to touch them and s/he would put one in my palm. I would take apart the blooms, rubbing the colors all over my hands, letting the smells wash over me. The weather always seemed perfect; sunny and warm with a little breeze. This new life seemed to go on forever. Sometimes I would get tiny shimmers of my old life, but it would pass just as quickly before I could hold onto it.
And then it all changed.
I woke up and I was waiting patiently for my caregiver to come so we could play my morning hair game when I heard screaming. And then someone else started screaming too. One was shrill and terrified, the other was gutteral and panicked. Both were equally terrible to me. Suddenly, I became aware that there were other people in the room besides me and they were upset something terrible. I pushed the button that brought my caregiver to the room and hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. When I heard my caregiver's footsteps, I peeked out from under the covers and said, fix them! S/he ran over to the other people and started helping them. All too quickly, things started coming back to me. It was like coming from being one and a half to twenty again in the span of less than a half hour. Quick, hard, and painful. And as memories started coming back to me, I wanted to cry, but couldn't. My caregiver, who I rapidly realized was Donovan, came over to me and forced me to answer some questions. Then he said he needed me to pretend like I was on a mission. I nodded and took a deep breath and he took away the wall in my brain.
I noticed that Dr. O'Connor appeared to be blind, Mia and Nathaniel were stitched back together, black thread everywhere like two human raggedy anne and andy dolls, Asha and Han Lo were chain up (apparently there were demons involved), Jonathan I later found out was decomposing and in his computer, Charlotte was also mostly in her computer, and Leeann was burned horribly. Donovan told us that he was pretty sure that Han Lo and I had constructed time rift and pushed everyone through. Apparently Vormas thought we were weakened and decided to take it upon himself to attack us. Tyrus was the first through and thought to appoint himself Arch Primus which made me so mad I didn't know what to do with myself. Tyrus initially looked unscathed but every time he got angry, he decreased in age.
I went over to Tyrus' cubbyhole he was hiding in and looked him dead in the eye. I took off my bandages on my leg without saying a word (it looked almost perfect . . .more perfect than the one I had before) and said quietly, I've already died twice. Third time's a fucking charm. And wheeled out. He then comes over all hysterical about he thought he was the only one to survive and order must be kept blahblahblah justification cakes. Everyone seemed pretty shaken up about the dying thing. I guess it's one of the few things I have more experience in. Dr. O'Connor was especially shaken up and I tried to tell him you get used to it. I had asked when my birthday was and Donovan said in three weeks. I sighed and said how I never got a birthday party before and wasn't 21 supposed to be special? Everyone rolled their eyes. I swear to god I think sometimes I'm the only one who remembers I'm TWENTY. But Dr. O'Connor grabbed onto me and started stroking my hair and telling me how he would make sure I would have the best party ever and it would be like a sweet sixteen and there would be cake and ice cream and a huge ruffly pink dress for me. I tried not to shudder and said thank you. He was really shaken up, after all.
We then find out that Han Lo was actually borrowing Darren's body to train the remaining akashics. I couldn't help it, it was too good to not pester the hell out of Asha about that ("So are you going to fuck him, because that's like fucking Han Lo . . .but not. Like fucking Darren . . .but not."), so I enjoyed doing that until it looked like she was going to push me out of my wheel chair.
When she had controlled herself, Asha said quietly, "Do you remember what happened?"
I felt the smile fade from my face and sighed. "Some. It's hard to say what's real and what wasn't. I remember . . .drinking at the bar. Seven shots of tequila, it's my name right? I was really mad at Donovan. Stupid . . .but i was. Dr. O'Connor sent me my fifth shot. Then Jonathan came ripping in and scooped me up and he sobered me up and we went to go help Han Lo fight his uncle. Then everything got crazy really fast. His uncle put Jonathan through the window . . .I remember the glass . . .it was like inside the snow globe he had brought me and it was so beautiful and terrible . . .there was blood everywhere . . .we were . . .we were all covered in Jon's blood. I got all numb and his uncle had thrown Han Lo to the ground and I went over to help him . . .I couldn't bear the thought of loosing both of them . . .and as I ran over, his uncle caught me and cut my leg off at the artery . . .I had, um, never lost a limb before. It really hurt. And then my blood was everywhere too . . .and my hair kept getting in my eyes. It was all crusted with all the blood, but I kept trying to push it out of my face . . .and then everything got black and quiet. And that's all I remember." I felt my hands starting to shake, but I kept everything inside. I had promised. We find out that we're in Donovan's pocket world and everyone else puts together that Donovan is ascended. Which I knew for reasons that I don't want getting out to the whole world at large, should anyone find my journal. Suffice to say, it was impressive.
The conversation then moved over to Nate's science fair project and how I was chosen to be the guinea pig. There's sibling squabbling ("We took a vote, you got voted down, suck it up." "But it's my body!"). Donovan was shocked that this was not only possible but tested. Everyone got self congratulatory and hooray science but i was still pissed off. We find out that Sid had gone comatose in the monastary and we all got quiet. We had still lost so much . . so many gone from us. It's hard to express grief when it's such a part of your daily life. Me taking Amanda would be our only chance. And it would make me witterslainte. I tried to keep my cool, but Jesus Christ when would it ever be enough? When would everything I gave up matter? I point out that this isn't just a quickie little thing and I probably wouldn't get *my* avatar back and *my* avatar was twinned with Jon's *and* had bits of Sky in it. The boys figure that there would be a way to merge the two. I really hope it's true. I'm tired of always taking one for the team.
Han Lo's demon in his body started freaking out and Han Lo/Darren's body rushed into the room to beat him down. We called Donovan, we still had so little of our power . . .and then we woke up in the board room.
I got so confused, did I dream this? Was it prophesy? But my knee still didn't have the bike scar I had on it from when I was seven. Donovan brought us up to speed and told us that we would be resting briefly and then training. I said, jokingly, as I always say in these meetings, C'mon, Tahiti! I opened my folder to find that we were indeed going to Tahiti. I had never been there before, I always wanted to, but there was never enough time . . .At that point, I can't hold it in anymore and I start sobbing.
Eventually, I get it together in my room. I go down the hall to Donovan's office and knocked. He told me to come in and I opened the door and stepped just inside.
"Thank you," I said. "For taking care of us. For everything."
He waved his hand and smiled. "It was nothing. Besides, I'm really fond of all of you, you're what keeps me here."
"Then stop being so afraid of us," I said softly and walked out and gently closed the door behind me.
